Robert F. Funke

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Listen to Mistletoe

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Christmas come early, folks. Like a sweet little child, I rolled out of bed at 9:45 am PT (12:45 pm ET) and tiptoed my hand to the floor to pick up my laptop, open it, and check to see if I had any more Twitter followers (THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS NO) and found, with a skip in my heart, that someone had given me music on Spotify. The gift had no note, and came from a friend of a friend with whom I’d shared a brief but meaningful weekend over last New Years that didn’t NOT involve me throwing up in a sink. With little contact since, I was surprised he thought of me with such an incredible Christmas gift. Not to mention I’m pretty sure he’s Jewish.

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That gift? A Ginuwine Christmas, a collection of Christmas songs from our favorite R&B singer of yesteryear, Ginuwine.

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Ah! I thought. What a delightful little ironic music gem from 1996. Thanks, friend!

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But then I saw the year. THIS IS A BRAND NEW GINUWINE JOINT.

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I immediately sent the same album to a few people, among them my friend JP, who immediately texted me that he was going to “Go through this Ginuwine album like an Advent Calendar.” I told him that he should send me a write up each day, and I would do the same.

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EXPOSITION OVER. BEGINNING DAY ONE OF GINUWINE ADVENT CALENDAR. The first song is titled Mistletoe.

Mom, stop reading.

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My thoughts:

So I took a look at the tracklist, and thought it would be a pretty lame collection of Christmas classics (Silent Night, 12 Days, Joy To The World) with little of the Ginuwine sexuality I’d come to expect from the man who brought us Pony and In Those Jeans (ed. note: I initially thought this was Keith Sweat. It isn’t!). NEVER FEAR: 

All the ladies in the world / I want to kiss.

Ginuwine whispers these words over a pretty sick synthesized violin track.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your chorus:

Where do you want that MISTLETOEEEEEE?

He seems to be winking with the way he slides into the first syllable. I think we’re dealing with an innuendo here, folks. Also, Ginuwine wants all the ladies in the world to know: he’s going to keep you warm “since you’ve been a good girl.” Like Santa’s list! Not bad, Ginuwine.

I’m talkin’ bout that mistletoeeee…

Are you, Ginuwine? Let’s examine further.

Let’s try my favorite place, right above your waist.

LOL.

I know my name ain’t Santa Claus, but come sit on my lap.

LOLOL.

Merry Christmas bay-bayyyy.

Hold up. Hold the phone. This is the exact same melodic line as “Things are bout to get nasty bay-bayyyy” from Pony! Is Ginuwine ripping himself off? Or is this an Easter Egg for the true fans?

Happy New Year bay-bayyyy.

Yep, definitely the same.

Feliz Navidad bay-bayyyy.

LOLOLOL.

Merry Christmas, Ginuwine. Here’s to a promising Advent season.

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JP’s thoughts:

In true Ginuwine fashion, this song starts off with a loud-whispered “All the ladies in the world, I want a kiss.”  Sort of a lame line from the man that brought us “Pony”, but it’s a Christmas CD so I get that he wants to keep it PG. From there, Ginuwine repeatedly asks us, the listener, where we want that mistletoe. Where should we want it Gin’? What is mistletoe, other than a thinly veiled allusion to your peen? According to science, mistletoe is also known as Viscum Album. “Viscum Album is a poisonous plant that causes acute gastrointestinal problems including stomach pain and diarrhea along with low pulse.” I do not want Ginuwine’s mistletoe anywhere near me, especially not right up on my waist as Gin’ suggests. The same stuff about sticking mistletoe in different orifices or whatever (I stopped paying attention after a while) goes on for a couple minutes until Ginuwine drops one of the weakest, most Chili’s-bar-est pick up lines ever. “I know my name ain’t Santa Claus, but come sit on my lap.”  This line is so bad it lead me to question Ginuwine’s heterosexuality. I never found out because when I Googled “Is ginuwine”, it came up “is ginuwine broke” and “is ginuwine dead”.  He is alive but possibly broke. He’s not thought to be in the Illuminati, like many other rap and R&B artist are. Anyway this song sucks pretty bad. Christmas is mentioned once.

JP wins as always.