Robert F. Funke

Robert’s thoughts:

The beat is like a fatter “No Scrubs.” It’s not altogether the worst, though it’s slightly the worst.

Okay, I’ve been in the song a little bit, wondering if there’s another clever way to say that this sounds like three songs playing at once that I haven’t already used on EVERY SONG ON THIS ALBUM, and I just realized that I’m literally listening to “The Twelve Days Of Christmas.” Turtle doves. French hens. Etc.

I mean. I don’t really know what to say, except that this is like a weak SNL skit. Jay Pharoah comes on and sings an old song in juiced-up R&B style, and it gets laughs and then you don’t think about it ever again. Bobby Moynahan dresses up like a latina backup dancer and rubs his nips. It’s great filler for my dream episode of SNL, which is a literally just a one-hour “Sex Ed” Vincent infomercial.

So I’m halfway through and losing my grip on reality. I can’t believe this is something that Ginuwine—Ginuwine!—thought would in any way appeal to anyone. IF THIS APPEALS TO YOU, PLEASE EMAIL ME AND EXPLAIN WHY. GINUWINE, EMAIL ME AND EXPLAIN WHY YOU MADE THIS.

This is the worst blow to a Christmas song since oh yeah I remember exactly when.

JP’s thoughts:

When I first glanced through the track list, I could not wait to get to this one. The normal version of “12 Days of Christmas” is by far my least favorite Christmas song. It takes 2 hours to sing all the way through and is unbearably repetitive, yet people LOVE it and it gets performed at pretty much every Christmas function.  Not only all that, but every shitty “comedian” on Earth has some parody version that is never very funny. I fully expected Ginuwine to pull out an upscale urban masterpiece in which the presents are things like swag, Bentleys, Louis V, cognac, etc. Instead, he just went with the ORIGINAL LYRICS!  Somehow it makes it sooooo much worse!  I was actually angry we didn’t get some half-hearted parody about dumb, expensive stuff.  If I were making a parody of this song, it would start:

Within the first minute of listening to this, my true love said to me

“You should have bought the Keith Sweat CD”